Today is one of those days where there are a lot of thoughts and emotions running around inside my head and it would be nice if I could take the day off—go for a long walk or ride—and process them.

There’s a lot going around me as well. The local weatherman says that except for the chance of pm thundershowers—today is the last day in May we can expect any rain. It’s been a weird spring time in the mountains. After early record breaking high temperature days, we had a late cold spell that lasted longer than expected and took with it the apple and blueberry crops for this year.

Now the grass is turning a light greenish/brown and the garden is very dry. Not a whole lot of short term balance in nature at this point.

As human beings it seems we are always looking for balance yet at the same time living just this side of it. If one glass of wine is good, wouldn’t two be better. And the popularity of all-you-can-eat buffets almost lends itself to a binge and purge mentality. Whatever happened to leaving the table just before you feel so full you can’t eat anymore—don’t even think about the spiritual discipline of fasting.

As I was driving to work and processing some of what has transpired the past couple of days I was struck by a couple of things.

The first one is who we are and the thought patterns that have formed us over the years of our lives—for better or for worse.

And the second is that we all have a tender spot within us that when touched by action or circumstance can respond with passion and complete understanding. This place can and has been manipulated by books and movies—but hopefully we have all felt the real thing—like those times the Holy Spirit is moving and we are touched by His mercy and kindness which then translates into us feeling better about ourselves and those around us. That spot that when activated can and will inspire us to greater heights—it’s like R & R for the weary soul.

I think part of what has worked to my coming  partially unglued surrounding the circumstances of leaving a church after 22 years is the foundational thoughts which when taken all together make up who I am and what I am able to accomplish and believe.

When I was growing up I remember watching a television show called the “Miilionaire”. Each week featured a rich man’s butler showing up on someone’s doorstep and delivering a check for a million dollars. The rest of the show then played off what happeded to the lives of the people who had suddenly become rich. I don’t remember much more than that or how long the show lasted, but it certainly made an imprression on my young mind. Following that shows entrance into my mind, I actually remember wondering when the knock would come to our door—and that maybe I would find a large sum of money on the sidewalk or something to that effect. Pretty far removed from reality, but part of a comic book reading kids life—we know it is not real—but at the same time the thoughts persist like a pie in the sky dream of sorts.

What I am reaching for here is the fact that much of who we are today is based on emotional and sometimes irrational constructs of thoughts and imaginations beginning in our childhood.

It is this type of thinking that allowed Archie Bunker to exist and led me to believe that people who drove BMW’s or Mercedes cars were better than me and inherantly good people—that this was something to aspire to.

It wasn’t too long ago that I was in a rest stop off Interstate 81 and saw firsthand that the people in the 45 thousand dollar car next to me were not very nice people. They were cursing at each other and the car was cramed with all sorts of trash—as if they had been living in it for some time. Obviously they were not living an overcoming life and seemed like people who the fast food generation had taken its toll.

I was in my mid fifties at the time and remember being surprised by this thought—I guess it just shows how far a little insecurity or irrational thought can go if left unattended. It is so obvious that there are some loose ends in my life and some train tracks that run off into the woods—never to be seen again.

In the writing of all this analytical stuff over the past several months it has never been my heart to hurt anyone—but I know that that possibility exists. It is as though I can see it in the faces of some of the people involved—if the truth be known they are probably just as hurt but for different reasons.

I do know that it is harder to pay off financial debts than it is to get into debt in the first place. It is easier to keep the weight off than it is to diet and deal with it later. Where we are today has occurred over time—we have all made some good choices and some not so good ones.

I guess that is why King David implored the Lord to create in him a clean heart. He knew that his thought processes would get him into trouble one day and said that we should meditate on the word of God day and night and that if we did we would be like trees planted by rivers of water, that would bring forth fruit in season.

And that may just be the whole point: when we trust in ourselves (our natural nature) too much or trust others to be our problem solvers, we are setting ourselves up for disapointment. Not always, but often enough in my experience that we need more Godly wisdom in how to proceed with our lives than I would have ever thought.

I may see you on the road today—please give me a little space—remember I am still learning to ride