As a lay in bed this early morning, in that half-awake time, I had a feeling not unlike that of being in the Matrix. Many times during my life I have, in waking early, been made aware of a dream program running in the background of my consciousness. Nothing specific like a movie in which I am a character or a set of dream images in which something is visually being worked out but a very real sense of some sort of mathematical process taking place. When I am still waking, this process is many times troubling in the sense I get of not being able to work the problem out—like never being able to fill the many containers that seem to surround me.
But when I become more fully aware of the dream and being awake, I am often amused at the fact that whatever was running in the background (like the Matrix image) would never be able to be worked out or understood enough to be put in a box and displayed so that it could be looked at clearly from all sides. Like something in a museum—locked in time for all to see.
Last night I went to sleep thinking about the process of life. And in pondering process this morning I am reminded of people who I have known who never seemed to be able to get out of a rut that was always lurking in the shadows of their lifes’ experience. It’s like when I became a Christian, a door of grace was open and I walked through it—I had no idea what I was doing at the time—only that it felt like the right thing to do. My life has been the better for it or so I fully believe even in light of all the many problems that face us world-wide as a human race.
I have often wondered if that same door was open for those people that seemed have all the problems and if so what was the deal—were they not able to see it or was my door only a window for them that was half open and six feet off the ground. I have come to the conclusion that it is one of the many questions that have no easy answers and I have more or less put that one on “the shelf”.
But what about “process”?
And how many different ways can we break down the concept of “being in process”?
Process can be understood as a series of actions, changes, or functions bringing about a result.
Still being in process means on one level that I haven’t arrived at my final destinaton—although while in process many of the seemingly smaller goals have been met or arrived at.
On one level I am glad to know all this and on another am aware that I don’t have enough life left to fully understand half of what I am attempting to grasp. There have always been questions as far back as I can remember. Sometimes it is enough just to be aware of them and continue the ride—other times it seems imperative that I understand them and live them out fully.
Like the process of removing the obstacles in our lives that keep us from fully connecting with one another—that keep us from life itself and the pursuit of all that is ours to become.
Am I being reckless in posting my thoughts before I have arrived at a place of fully comprehending them? A look at my last post is almost a little scary in the sense of being vulnerable and somewhat naive at the same time. The more we say the easier it is to be mis-understood and I realize that I am into some stuff that is a lot deeper than I thought it was at first.
True north exists and I am still figuring out how to use the compass I was given many years ago. I may still bump into a few trees in the forest as I move forward, but I am determined to keep walking until daylight breaks forth and I not only see the forest, but the trees as well.