As I look back over the past 30 plus days in my life, my only totally concrete thought is “Where has the time gone?” I am sure that we have all shared that same thought—as if life is something that we collect pieces of along the way for display on our bookshelves or coffee tables.
I entered this period of time thinking that I had answers for some of the questions that have nagged me for some time only to realize that I now have more questions than ever before.
I thought I had a freshman grasp of economics only to find out all the theory books are being re-written even as I write this entry. Wall street is up one minute and down the next—bail-out is epidemic and doing the right thing doesn’t really seem to make much difference anymore.
For those of us who did everything “right” and still saw our 401-K retirement plans vanish into thin air after years of saving—maybe the Obama government will bail us out right after the big three get theirs.
Once upon a time I seemed really ready to believe in a “big plan”. The leaders of the church I attended for many years felt it would be good for the church to pay off its mortgage in order to free up funds for more “spiritual” things. For months following this great presentation we were encouraged as a group of people to give a little extra each week until our building was paid off. As we were filling the collection baskets with our cash, I often stopped to wonder if my mortgage would be the next one paid off and that that plan would proceed until all of us parishioners were “debt free”.
They had the big plan (pay off the church mortgage) and I had the little plan (pay off my own). As far as I can remember that church has no mortgage and I still have eight or nine years left to pay on mine.
I know that this might seem like a little thing—maybe even approaching that state we call “whining” in North Carolina. But the point I am trying to make and the thought process I am still trying to work through is this: what can we know is real and what can we know is not. Was God behind the church in question becoming “debt free” and once that was done, left the rest of us to our own devices—some of which were more successful than others.
I really didn’t see all of this coming. I truly thought that by this time in my life I would have had it all figured out and things would be sort of settled down. That I would have had the faith to move mountains and that friendships, marriages and mortgages would all have taken care of themselves—in other words “fallen into place in the grand scheme of things”.
That they and a million other things haven’t speaks directly to my lack of understanding and/or naivete.
Was McCain or Obama God’s choice for our nation’s troubled times. I can’t answer that question—although at one point a few weeks ago I might have made an effort. I have listened to many on both sides proclaim their revelation about each and can’t say that either side has the whole truth and nothing but.
I guess part of me just wants to get something out—as a creative person, not blogging or writing or reading much for the past month has been like an extended trip into the desert lands of sub saharan Africa for me. I was born to have a point of view and feel a bit dull at the moment and caught standing in line for something that I already have in my pocket. Yet I have no feeling that anything is in my pocket less alone my life at this present moment that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Like the big picture. Wherever that may be—whenever it may occur.
It is way past fall in the mountains and almost fully winter and getting colder everyday. I have a bit of wood that might last and might not. I am waiting for today to be over and for tomorrow to begin—I am waiting for a miracle in all of this: that I might finally understand today and let what is past rest in peace and move fully four steps forward without taking 3 steps back.
It is not the long ride—but a moment along the way.